Saturday, 13 April 2013

Convention Review: Gemucon 2013 [Cupcakes, Beachballs and That's so Gemubaby]

Reviews, we love reviews. Seems everyone and their pony is doing reviews, but this isn't so much an account of how I felt but what the Con was to me. If you want to write a diary try livejournal, or a little book with a flimsy lock on it that will protect your feelings.

Last weekend I attended Gemucon 2013 and it was a very interesting convention. I'm sure all of us who had attended enjoyed it thoroughly and are sitting comfortably cracking walnuts, coconuts and other consumables that humans usually use tools for with our thighs, after having to use all 20 flights of pain stairs to get to the games rooms.

Gemu for me started on the Thursday night where we kinda picked a venue that was too good for getting wasted at. I met Jakeachu and Rilack there where Jake and I jumped up and down shouting "SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS" to persuade Rilack to do silly shots with us. I'll not get into the machinations of how that went but it was a pretty awesome ice breaker, even if Rilack bought me a shot of something I could use to neutralise most toxins or strip the rubber off a car tyre. That troll convinced almost everyone to get classy and dress up then turned up in a T shirt.. Pains me to say this but well played good sir.

I didn't actually stay at the Britannia but I did see the rooms and although small they were not too shabby. A friend of mine stayed at the Park Plaza which was across the road and insanely spacious and nice, I tried to camp there but he was having none of it. I stayed at the Travelodge down the road which was okay apart from the drunk Nottingham people and the pub next to it, don't expect to sleep there because it'll annoy you senseless. We found out the joys of earplugs that stay, or drinking yourself into sleep/unconscious. Still for £25 a night it was pretty budgetcon and you didn't need to walk past reception to get to your room.

Again did not stay at the Britannia, but we were in Nottingham City Centre. All you had to do was sneeze and several noodle shops would pop up.

The opening ceremony was a little slow to get going, as well as Friday night party. In all honesty I walked away from it as there was no saving that. What hit me right off the bat was the amount of socially awkward individuals and the boy-girl ratio made me think that females were suddenly DLC only. However the attendees were very well behaved and much quieter than most Anime Con attendees which was nice. Though the thing about smearing the free cupcakes on the banisters pissed me off; you'd need to be pretty fucking retarded to think that's a fun thing to do. Oh fuck, what to do with a free cupcake firstworldproblemsohmy... Smearing cupcakes on your body is horrible and wrong, it disgusts me and makes me wish there was a porn for it.

I can't remember most of Friday other than hobbling about in a half-assed daze being hungover and gallivanting around as a TF2 red spy.

By the time Saturday came about it was pretty widely known that punctuality wasn't a strong suit on the con, but it's rare to see that at most conventions anyway. Most of the day was spent going up and down the stairs in the Brittania hotel, with the stairwell caked in coffee cups, empty energy drink cans, glowsticks and the sweat of a thousand cyber athletes. You lot probably didn't know those muscles existed and now you can't even sit without getting a rash on your inner thighs. The games rooms didn't look so bad but I had to re-inject my bloodstream with cans of relentless by the time I got to the top, so I didn't really get an opportunity to have a game in between fashioning an IV drip out of tescobags and more spent glowsticks. I'm not gonna lie when I say this con had glowsticks, glowsticks everywhere, in your ears, in your hair. Though there was a table at the top with a sheet of paper that was available for doodling so I wrote "FOR A GOOD TIME CALL 0800-R-I-L-A-C-K"

My little crew had come prepared and caked ourselves in UV reactive and glowing gear, enough to make passers by think everything went nyancat. We got to the party and were begged to get it started. You asked, we delivered, you're welcome. On a serious note I gotta say I was happy that DJ Snap was there but I'd heard a lot of that mix at Kita and Ame and at Gemucon itself in the same fucking set you played it in! I really love DJ Snap mixes and the first time I heard the Kita mixes there were special times in my pants, but I was so drunk I was drinking near neat vodka (it was a mixer for my rum) and even I noticed everything sounding exactly the same as anything uploaded on Youtube and the Pokémon track played twice. The only thing that almost nullifies my arguement here is that Gemu is not an anime convention and as far as DJ Snap could be concerned Gemucon attendees are a completely different crowd (that said the fucking flyer was handed out at anime conventions that Snap had played at). Still it was something I had looked forward to and I can't help but feel short changed on that.

Fucking beachballs. Not the huge kind, we're talking football sized ones. Sure if the dancefloor is heaving a huge beachball would be cool but when you put a couple of beach balls in a sparse dancefloor that is 80% guys, you'll get a fucking kickaround. Who's idea was it to go "hey man let's fuck up a rave by playing keepy-uppy with balls that blow away with the slightest light fart"? If y'all kept it to yourselves then no problem, except for the sweaty lads landing on me who made me wish I'd wore my Metal/Rock gear, maybe impale a beach ball or three. Hell son if you want a mosh pit I'll show you a mosh pit, put your WKD down and put your damn shirt back on.

I owe DJ LastKnight a very hard kick to the ribcage, when DMX vs Thomas the Tank Engine came on I folded up and laughed my rocks off. Then I looked round and saw half the crowd looking at him, and the other half trying to carry on dancing to it regardless. That was it man, game over; I almost blacked out from laughing too hard and my girlfriend thought I was having an asthma attack on the floor. I think I'm still bleeding inside my chest, LastKnight, you chug lyf motherlugger.

The Geekton factor was one of the highlights for me, though half my team didn't turn up it ended up with myself, my girlfriend in the cosplay she won the masquerade in and four very young attendees who knew a fucking shit-ton of gaming knowledge. Big thank you to Zelly for the special sweeties for me, they were a sugary party in my mouth. There were a couple of teams at this event who were a bit too serious for their own good and not really the kind who where there to get into it and have some fun. If you get too serious you're not having fun, so shut the fuck up and appreciate your damn prizes from the Shite Box. Also for the person who had a glowstick leak on them; forgive me for not shouting; "BATHE IN IT".

Cosplay was slightly stranger than many Anime Cons, I won't say there were a lot of cosplayers and the Gamer crowd really brought out some special gems like the nice girl who won the Masquarade as Eliza Casshan from Deus Ex. I caught up with her and found out the entire cosplay is hand stitched from pleather taking her months to do entirely from scratch. If you cannot comprénde then think about a boxful of kittens playing with some string, haha they're so cute aren't they? She even got a douche to do some sewing for her the night before. Props to her and a deserved win I say. The Executioner at the Masquarade was amazeballs and really shoulda socked it to That Link Guy- OHHHHH SHIT SON YOU THOUGHT I'D FORGOT ABOUT HIM. Him. Well, to those who don't know The Link Guy was some douche in a Link cosplay who practically annoyed everyone he came into contact with and played his ocarina so much he had requests to stop playing. And guess what guys? He vlogs too. If you're reading this Jimmy, then I'll kindly re-direct you to my response to your shenanigans. In any case the masquerade was short and sweet; some stunners and some time wasters, I'm looking at you Link. I also heard you got banned from the Convention on sunday night, life achievement unlocked! 5G.

(Side note: don't go flaming the fuck out of him guys, it's far too easy.)

Now I'm not sure what it was about that side of Nottingham town centre but we saw a lot of non-convention drunk people. A drunk middle aged couple fell down on a traffic island and we went to help them, I watched because I'm a pretty shady looking character as it is and me helping up a drunk well dressed guy in the streets looks like a mugging from too many right angles. We spent another 10-15 minutes watching them amble up the road, that was entertainment right there. Then there was the hairy rambler who wanted me in his band, had to tell him my name was Marcus The Octopus to get away only to find the damned noodle shops were all shut. I shoulda taken him up on the offer, everyone said my first album should have been "Freshly Baked" (We ended up in Subways). I can't say shit however, I got so drunk Thursday, Friday and Saturday that come Sunday night I was drinking near neat vodka and struggling to get a happy alcohol rush. I ended up giving it away to Leon whom I hope it hit him like a brick to the cornea, I got you bro, I got you.

There are mixed reviews on Gemucon but I for one thoroughly enjoyed it. It felt a little like a Fushicon and that's not a bad thing, loads of connections were made and in-jokes made too. Most of the hate seems to come from things that no-one could have helped and I get the feeling that some of you wanted to it go down the pan. But it didn't and there were a lot of people who enjoyed it. Any haters? Headbutt a moving train and leave us to it.

But let me draw next set of conbadges? I draw mech and girls. I promise that whatever I draw won't have any extra elbows. When I pointed that out to Tomska he threw it away like a soggy nappy/BNP leaflet, still I really wanted that drawn picture of him with his willy out. Hah gaaaaaaayyyy..

Shout out to the girl who ran into a mirror, the guy who flipped his shit because he lost a quiche, the person who puked a trail of puke from the bar to the toilets like a magical technicolour yawn/rainbow path. GG
Shout out to the guy who looked like Tom Cruise and bought me a Guinness. GfuckingG.
Shout out to Team Neko, Conn, Rilack and Jakeachu you happy awesome buggers

There are so many people I can't highlight you all, so Gemucon, all of Gemucon, GG.

~Warai Otoko

Ps. I wrote this in stages to make sure there wasn't anything I missed. Of course I probably did, anything you'd like to highlight please stick in the comments box, mail, tweet or flash your ankles at me... Phhhwoorr...


  1. Hi I'm that Link guy, I didn't get booted out of the con I was not kicked and that was a whole load of bull, I know I pissed people off but I still feel like shit for it.

    1. You should feel like shit for having that username. But no, really kid don't be so harsh on yourself; some of the best people on the con scene were absolute prats when they stared and you've attained a level of noteriety many would dream of. Right now you've got a choice; continue to be a douchebag and get hated so bad that your mere presence makes everyone want a shower, or you can actually be a alright guy and change everyone's mind about you. I think you should really change your username to That Link Douche. Do it, we'll love you for showing some humility.

    2. Ok, I've changed my name, and also I know that I did wrong, I feel really bad for it, but next con/expo I go to I will act differently Warai I will not EVER bring an Ocarina again after I found out I pissed so many off with it and I will be calmer and not as annoying.
      thanks for replying to me Warai.
      all the best.